I don’t really know what I’m doing here, people. As I’m writing this, I’m still working on setting up my actual blog site (if that’s what it’s even called) but I’m determined to figure it out…as I am with most things.
That’s one of the reasons why I’m here…to figure some shit out. I have so much rattling around in this brain of mine…a cornucopia of fragmented thoughts and emotions that need piecing together into some sort of nutshell. Do I really need to air out my issues on a public platform that anyone could read…and judge? Well, no. I could just write a personal diary and hide it in my underwear drawer where I hide my other personal things like…uhm…my underwear. However, if these thoughts of mine, once formulated into legible content, translate to something positive and inspiring, and my weird ramblings end up helping even just one other person besides myself, well then that’s worth the risk.
It’s very humbling and, honestly, pretty damn terrifying, to check your pride at the door and be transparent about your own mental and emotional instabilities. People close to me already know I’m kinda loopy and have “issues”…but, yikes, throwing it out there for anyone to read about? Even though I know there are people suffering way worse than I am it’s still scary AF. Many of us spend our time telling people to “pay no attention to the person behind the curtain”, so big time kudos to those who are brave enough to pull that curtain back and tell people “it’s ok to get to know the person behind the curtain”.
It’s especially terrifying to let your vulnerability show when you know there are toxic people out there who are negative, small minded and judgmental and they could (as they maybe have done in the past) make life even harder than it already is by knocking you even further down. But fuck them, right? I still feel motivated to expose myself …er…not like that…you know what I mean.
My life has had ups and downs just like anyone’s life, and I’ve generally felt I’ve had my shit together…or if my shit wasn’t together, I was capable of pulling said shit into a neat little pile and moving forward. I had a way of bouncing back relatively quickly with little drama and minimal lasting damage.
I would joke about the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” thing and how “I must be like Wonderwoman or She-ra by now so yay me”. I was proud to be recognized for being someone that could continuously get knocked down but would get right back up…and yes, be stronger for it. But the last couple of years have been particularly trying for me, resulting in…well…basically me becoming more of a mental case than usual. I got knocked down for the umpteenth time and this time it was a lot harder to get back up. I’ve been challenged with some debilitating emotional tortures like depression, anxiety, insomnia and became more of the mindset “what doesn’t kill you makes you an insecure recluse with poor coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humour”.
I’m now in a much better place than I was 6 months ago, much less of a train wreck. I know what I went through, and am still going through, does not define me. I’m learning to navigate these turbulent uncharted mental health waters in order to punch my issues right in the face. Although… those issues walk around wearing my face and I don’t really want to punch myself in the face…so…let’s just forget that metaphor…but you get the point.
So, basically this Blog is a form of personal therapy, an outlet of sorts, and if people want to come along for the ride that’s cool. I’m down. I just can’t predict what this Blog will really be like for the reader though.
Sometimes it might be a venting rant or I might share what’s helped me manage my emotional fuckery in more of a clinical way. Sometimes I might write lightheartedly and all motivation-y. Sometimes there might be a strong cheese factor. Sometimes I might write all dark and broody. It might sometimes be funny, sometimes not. It might be Deep Thoughts with Jack Handey. Who knows. It’ll depend on my mood and state of mind at the time…which, these days, is like a box of chocolates.
I do know that I am well on my way to getting back to my old bad-ass self but I have a ways to go yet. I plan to continue to build my inner strength back up and feel empowered again through this little therapeutic writing process and hopefully maybe help a few others along the way …because everyone goes through shit at one point or another and many, unfortunately, are in a continuous state of struggle. Everyone is or has been fucked up at some point in their life. Everyone has issues. If you say you don’t then you really ARE fucked up. Admit it, own it and try to work through it. C’mon…we can do it together.
Now… if I could just get over my anxiety about hitting “publish” to actually make this public I’ll be laughing. Or crying. Not sure. But I will definitely emote something.